


It Was a Cold Spring

by mismatched_ideas



Series: It's Easier With You [7]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Family Fluff, Fluff, Gen, Kids, M/M, New York City AU, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Viktor gets a response to his letter, in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-11-29 04:43:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11433411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mismatched_ideas/pseuds/mismatched_ideas
Summary: It’s funny how things you’re waiting for can happen simultaneously. It’s also funny how this overlap of happenings can cause one to seem like it hadn’t happened at all until a much later date. And that was exactly what happened when Yuuri and Viktor began their visits with the kids they were hoping to adopt.





	1. Kids

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alison/gifts), [Caroline](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroline/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyya, everyone! I've got two fics for this series finished at this moment! Imagine, finishing a fic before you post it haha... 
> 
> Well, I'll be posting every day with this one then I'll probably take a small break and start posting the next one. After these two fics I think I'm going to start another series. It'll still be related to this AU but it's going to be home to a lot more OCs in that it's going to be mainly about OCs who might just be the children of our lovely skaters. 
> 
> That's a bit off, so we'll get there later! For now, welcome back to my New York City AU that started me on the neverending path of fanfic :D

It’s funny how things you’re waiting for can happen simultaneously. It’s also funny how this overlap of happenings can cause one to seem like it hadn’t happened at all until a much later date. And that was exactly what happened when Yuuri and Viktor began their visits with the kids they were hoping to adopt.

Kids. It was strange to Viktor and nerve racking to Yuuri that they were looking to adopt more than one child but after some research, they learned how many siblings needed to be adopted together and how often they were never adopted because of this. Before Yuuri could even bring it up he saw in Viktor’s face that he wanted to at least ask about siblings. 

Noa and Andrew. Seven and two. Girl and boy. Siblings who’s mother seemed to care about them very much but who ended up not being able to take care of them. Father who was, for all intents and purposes, unknown. Viktor had gone over the information again and again, looking for a clue into how to win the two children over. He knew exactly what they looked like and could recite almost word for word the short bio Noa had written. 

Viktor liked children quite a lot but this was so different from any interaction he’d ever had with a child. This wasn’t ice skating or someone else’s kid. Viktor had never been in a position where he felt like he had to impress the children he met. Sure, he’s tried hard to make sure Risa liked him but it was hardly like this. That had been a challenge. This was terrifying. 

“Viktor, Honey, you’re going to crush my fingers.” Yuuri murmured to his husband, trying to wiggle the fingers on his right hand and failing. 

“What?” Viktor looked down at their intertwined hands, loosening his grip like he hadn’t noticed he was even holding Yuuri’s hand. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Yuuri told him, talking both about Viktor’s crushing grip and also today’s trip. “Don’t worry so much.”

“I know…” Viktor doubted Yuuri was doing much better right now and momentarily envied his husband’s ability to mask his panic. The envy passed quickly when Viktor reminded himself that Yuuri was good at pretending because he spent most days dealing with some level of unwanted anxiety. “What if they don’t like me?”

“If they don’t like us, then it wasn’t meant to be.” It was Yuuri’s turn to squeeze Viktor hand, tight but quick, “But I’m sure it’ll go great.”

Viktor smiled, “You’re right. This’ll be great.”

They arrived at the agency and took a deep breath before going inside. 

\---

“Since this is your first meeting, it will be relatively short.” Yuuri was pretty sure he couldn’t feel his fingers anymore. “Just introduce yourself. Andrew is only two and can be shy but it depends. Some days he's fine with new people and sometimes he doesn't even like talking to people he's known for a while. Noa is shy in her own way but she's talkative and friendly once she gets used to you."

Yuuri definitely couldn’t feel his fingers.

“Okay.” He smiled at the woman, “Could you give us a minute?”

“Sure.” She smiled back. “I’m sure you’re both nervous but I assure you it will be fine.” 

Yuuri dragged Viktor to the hallway outside the office so they could speak in relative privacy.

“Honey, you need to breathe.”

He did exactly that, loosening his grip on Yuuri’s hand. “Sorry, I was doing it again.”

“It’s okay.” Yuuri untangled their hands so he could place one palm lightly onto Viktor’s cheek. “You’re nervous and that’s okay.” 

Viktor leaned into Yuuri’s touch, “What if I’m not–”

“Viktor.” There was a warning in his tone, “Don’t say you aren’t supposed to have kids. That’s your brain telling you lies.” Yuuri smiled at his husband, soft and reassuring. “Trust me.”

“Of course.” 

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked, no judgment or expectation in the question. Viktor loved how his husband could so easily adjust his tone to say exactly what he wanted in fewer words. Then again, maybe Viktor was just able to tell what Yuuri meant and it had nothing to do with the younger man. 

“Yah.” He leaned forward so his forehead was resting against Yuuri’s, “Let’s go.”

\---

Viktor knows two years old is very young but he hadn’t realized how small a two-year-old was. Nothing like a newborn, he was sure, but Andrew still seemed so tiny. 

Viktor had been planning to let Yuuri do most of the talking but the moment they walked into the room Yuuri was pushing Viktor towards the younger of the two. 

“Hi Andrew, Hi Noa. I’m Yuuri and this is Viktor.” Andrew didn’t look up when Yuri gestured for Viktor to sit down.

“Hello.” Noa had said quietly, not looking at Yuuri when he sat next to her.

There was a single moment of silence before the young boy broke it, oblivious to the tension in the three people sitting around him.

“Blue.” The boy said quietly, reaching for a blue crayon. “It needs blue.”

“What are you drawing?” Viktor asked, looking at what seemed to be little more than colorful scribbles. 

“Fwowers.” Andrew grimaced at his own pronunciation but didn't correct himself. It took Viktor a moment to figure out Andrew meant flowers.

“Do you like flowers?”

He nodded and continued to scratch at the paper with his crayon, leaving Viktor again unable to think of anything to say. Risa was the most recent little kid he’d spent any with but she spent most of her time chatting with Yuuri, she had come to really like him apparently. It had been easy to get her to like Viktor because all he had to say was that he was Yuuri’s husband and she decided she liked him too. Viktor just wished he could remember what Yuuri had talked to Risa about. Of course, Viktor hadn’t been able to understand a lot of it given Risa’s Japanese was a little hard for him to understand. 

“How old are you?” Viktor asked finally, even though he knew the answer.

“Two.” The boy looked up at Viktor, letting the crayon drop out of his hand so he could put up two fingers. It was very cute. “Green.”

He looked at Viktor expectantly and the blond hurried to fish a green crayon from the small container hold them.

“Is this good?” Andrew looked at the crayon for a long time before shaking his head.

“Fwower green.” Viktor blinked, not sure what the difference between ‘flower green’ and the green he was holding was. After he floundered for a moment Andrew reached over himself and pulled out a darker green, showing it to Viktor, this time forcing his mouth into the correct shape to get the words out. “Flower green.”

“Oh.” Viktor wasn’t sure he was ready to be a father. Apparently being a father meant you needed to know about different colors of crayons and their uses. Viktor wasn’t sure if he’d ever used crayons in his life. What color green had he even offered initially?

“Pink.” Again Andrew looked expectantly at Viktor and he could swear he felt sweat running down the back of his neck.

\---

Yuuri breathed easier when he Viktor asked his first question, something about Andrew’s drawing, and found himself relaxing just a little. 

There was paper sitting in from of Noa but she hadn’t made a move to color anything, instead sitting quietly with her hands folded in her lap.

“Hi Noa.” Yuuri repeated, “How are you?”

“I’m fine.” She paused, “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Yuuri felt anxiety creeping up his spine. How did he talk to the young kids who came to the rink for the first time? He just needed to remember how he interacted with them. “You’re in second grade, right?” She nodded, “Do you have a subject you like?”

“Math is fun.”

“Really?” Yuuri smiled, “I was terrible at math when I was in school. I think Viktor was pretty good at it though.” She nodded and Yuuri couldn’t tell if she was simply shy or if she didn’t like him. Was he a scary sort of person? “Are you good at math?” Another nod, “What do you do for fun?”

“Math… I also like reading but I’m not very good at it.” 

“Do you like being read to?” Yuuri asked? “My mom used to read me books when I was younger.”

“I don’t know.” Her voice was almost too quiet to hear, especially as her brother spoke with Viktor in a bit of a louder tone. They seemed to be talking about crayons. “Nobody has ever read to me.”

“What kind of books do you like?” Yuuri asked, trying not to frown at the girl. 

She shrugged, “I read anything I can. It takes me a long time to read books, though, so I don’t get to read that many.”

“I could bring something to read to you next time if you want.” Yuuri smiled at her when she finally looked up at him. “It’s really fun to read out loud, sometimes I read to Viktor because he can’t really read Japanese but he’s pretty good at listening.”

“You speak Japanese?” She asked, curiosity lighting up her brown eyes, her shiness melting away.

“My accent didn’t tip you off?” He laughed and she smiled a little, “I’m from Japan. Viktor is Russian.”

“So can you both speak Japanese?” She was more interested in this than Yuuri expected.

“Yep. We can also speak Russian. And Viktor knows French.” Yuuri gave her a big smile, feeling relief in her interest. “I can teach you some Japanese if you want.”

She nodded before her smile dropped, “Mom knew a little Japanese, her parents were from Japan. Sometimes she sang to me but I could never understand her.”

“Well,” The woman who’d been sitting quietly off to the side of the room stood, signaling their time visit was almost over. “I can teach you some Japanese next time, how about that?” 

She nodded vigorously and Yuuri smiled, standing and nodding at the woman. 

“It was nice to meet you both.” He said as Viktor stood and joined him on the other side of the table. 

“Good luck with school, Noa.” Viktor added, feeling bad that he hadn’t talked to her at all. That said, Yuuri had also not said anything to Andrew. Obviously, they were both a little nervous. Okay, a lot nervous. 

“I hope I can talk to you next time, Andrew.” Yuuri smiled, trying to seem like anxiety wasn’t creeping back into his mind full force. 

“Bye.” Andrew said with a small wave before turning to Viktor with a surprisingly pointed look. “You need crayons.”

“Okay.” Yuuri came close to laughing at the almost scared look on Viktor’s face. “Bye.”

Noa waved then both men were whisked out of the room, both feeling somehow anxious and also relieved. 

\---

Yuuri was the first one to notice the letter that had gotten buried in the pile of unimportant mail, really bills were the only thing in the important mail at this point, and looked at it for a long moment of uncertainty. 

Getting letters with Russian return addresses wasn’t that surprising or strange, Yakov knew how to use technology but liked sending letters better, but this address wasn’t Yakov’s. 

He didn’t even notice the return address, though, because what he noticed was that the name the letter was addressed to was simply ‘Viktor’ in neat Cyrillic. The rest was English, otherwise how would the letter have been sent, but the Cyrillic was strange. Yakov always simply addressed it to ‘Vitya’ or even ‘Katsuki’ if it was for both of them. And he never wrote it in Cyrillic. 

Finally, he let his eyes drag up to the Russian return address and that was the thing that held his attention. Mostly, he was confused because he knew that Cyrillic. Embarrassingly it was one of the first things he learned to read in the script. Well, not exactly, but it was close. 

_Nikiforova._

“Viktor.” Yuuri called, the apartment seeming so big with only the two of them living there. “There’s a letter for you.” 

Viktor stepped out of the bedroom, still drying his now shoulder-length hair. 

“Is it from Yakov? Just throw it with my other mail, I’ll check it out tomorrow.”

“No, it’s not from Yakov…”

Viktor reached where Yuuri was standing and his eyes crinkled with concern. “Who is it from?”

“I… I don’t know.”

Viktor to a hold of the letter and fell silent for a long time, staring at the careful handwriting. The careful, neat, and so precise handwriting that he knew. It may have been years but he knew that handwriting almost better than his own. 

“Viktor, do you know who this is from?”

“It’s… it’s from my mother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may edit this chapter more in the future because as I wrote, I basically swapped Noa and Andrew's personalities but my hand hurts and I'm not sure I can write that much right now.


	2. Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe forgetting would have been the better choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mention of past thoughts of suicide. Not graphic, simply someone mentioning a past contemplation of suicide and about basically deciding not to attempt it.

Yuuri was concerned when Viktor told him the letter was from his mother. Especially since the name on it had simply been _Nikiforva_. Yuuri could assume what that meant but didn’t say anything, knowing Viktor was thinking the same thing.

What was more concerning, though, was the fact that Viktor put the letter down and didn’t open it. He just left it unopened on the kitchen table for days. Now it was almost time for them to have their second visit with Noa and Andrew and Yuuri was worried.

On one hand, opening the letter could end up with Viktor too distressed to go to this visit. On the other, he was already pretty distressed and it was showing. He hadn’t been sleeping well, if he slept at all, and his mind kept wandering. He’d be listening intently to Yuuri one moment then the next his eyes and mind would be somewhere else entirely.

Yuuri didn’t know what to do.

“Viktor, love, please talk to me.” He finally said the night before their second visit. It was one in the morning and Yuuri had found Viktor in the living room, staring out the window. “I don’t know what you need but I can’t help if you don’t talk to me.” 

“Sorry.” Viktor murmured his apology as Yuuri padded over to him, touching the taller man’s cheek gently. Viktor wanted to not be like this, so closed off and hard to talk to, but here they were again. Him having worried Yuuri and left his husband unsure of what to do.

“You don’t need to apologize, just talk to me.”

“I wanted to get a letter back so badly but now I’m afraid.” He leaned forward so their foreheads were pressed together, “I wasn’t the most observant child when it came to my parents but they never seemed that unhappy. If they separated then what if… what if it was because of me?”

“Love.” Yuuri looked at Viktor seriously, hoping to convey with his eyes what he wasn’t sure he could with only words. “Whatever that letter says is not your fault.”

“But–” 

Yuuri pulled his hand through Viktor’s hair to silence him before pressing a soft kiss into his lips.

“It isn’t your fault. You were a child and had every right to make the decisions you did. They were right for you. You cannot control what your parents did before or after you left.” He kissed Viktor again. “No matter what's in that letter, you're not at fault.”

“Okay.” He nodded, trying to force himself to believe Yuuri’s words. They were a little easier to accept coming from the younger man, but they still seemed so wrong to Viktor’s ears even as his mind tried to convince itself they were true. 

“If you want to open it now, I’m here for you.”

“I know…” Viktor wasn’t sure the last time he felt so suffocated by decisions but he guessed it was when he was trying to decide whether to retire or not. “I think I’ll wait. I don’t know what’s in there but whatever it is, I don’t want it to make me sad or angry when we visit with Noa and Andrew.”

“That’s fine. Now, let’s go to bed.”

Viktor nodded and soon they were in bed, with Viktor’s back pressed into Yuuri’s chest and his limps curled as close to his body as he could get them. Yuuri laid one arm protectively over his husband and the two fell into a slow, even rhythm of synchronized breaths. 

“Have you memorized all the colors of the crayons yet?” Yuuri breathed into Viktor’s ear with a smile.

His question was met with a dramatic groan, “There was no rhyme or reason to how he sorted those colors. I have no idea how I’m supposed to know what color he’s asking for.”

Yuuri nuzzled into Viktor’s neck with a laugh, the action tickling Viktor enough to make him giggle too.

“They’re good kids.” He smiled into Viktor’s neck.

“Yah, they are.”

“ **Goodnight, Darling.** ”

“ _Goodnight, Love._ ”

\---

“ **It is nice to meet you.** ” Noa’s eyebrows were scrunched together as she struggled to pronounce the words Yuuri had just taught her. She was very dedicated for a seven-year-old. “ **I am Noa. Please treat me well.** ”

“That was great, Noa.” Yuuri smiled broadly. Viktor and Andrew both looked up at the other two people in the room. “You’re a natural. You should have heard how badly Viktor butchered the pronunciation of that the first time he said it.”

“Hey! Where did you hear that?” Viktor pouted, noticing that the face put a smirk on Noa’s face. 

“Mari told me all about your attempts at talking to Mom and Dad.”

“Tree green,” Andrew commanded, turning back to his drawing when he found the conversation boring. Viktor couldn’t tell if the boy was naturally quiet or if he was just shy around him but he didn’t seem to speak much. It wasn’t that he’d expected a two-year-old to have long, eloquent conversations with him but this seemed like very little.

While he searched through the crayons for the one he thought would be right – trees were a dark green, right? – he continued the other conversation.

“Yuuri, you’re being mean.”

Yuuri laughed lightly, “I am. I’m sorry. You did a great job for never speaking the language before.”

“And it wasn’t fair, you’d already knew some Russian when I started teaching you.”

“Teaching is a strong word.” Yuuri quipped, turning back to Noa. “Viktor is not a very good language teacher. I had to get his… younger sister to help.”

“Do you both have sisters?” Noa asked.

“Yep.” Viktor smiled, “And I guess I also have two brothers.”

“You guess?”

“Ah, well.” Viktor handed a crayon to Andrew and he nodded solemnly before taking it for his picture. “They aren’t related to me by blood. But I grew up with all of them.”

Noa seemed unsure and confused. “Were they, umm, like us?”

Viktor bit his lip, not sure how to explain his relationship with his teammates. “Not technically, but in a way. Yakov, he was our coach, sort of was a dad for us.”

“That’s strange.” She said, without any real judgment. 

“It really was.” Viktor laughed, his mind drawn back to the letter on their kitchen table. “Enough about me, though. I hear you like math. What do you do in second-grade math?”

“Umm… I think second grade is addition and subtraction. And also some basic geometry and… place values?”

“You seem unsure.” Viktor turned his head to the side, wondering why someone who liked math wouldn’t remember what they were doing in class.

“Well, I took that last year so I forget what is from last year and what is before that sometimes.” When both men looked at her in confused silence she elaborated, “When we do math in my class, I get to go to the third-grade class.”

“The… Third-grade class?” Viktor asked as he searched through the crayons for the currently requested ‘tree brown.’ 

“I got in trouble a lot because the math was too easy and so I wouldn’t pay attention.” She looked unhappy which seemed strange for Viktor. She liked math and apparently she was very good at it so why was taking third-grade math upsetting? “So they let me learn harder stuff.”

“Oh, okay.” He handed a brown crayon to Andrew but he shook his head, sending Viktor back to his searching. “Then what are you doing in third-grade math?”

“Right now we’re doing multiplication,” Yuuri remembered being in high school and desperately wishing he could go back to doing multiplication and yet Noa seemed bored by the topic. 

Viktor handed Andrew a different crayon and the boy looked disappointed for a moment before taking it. 

“Sounds like it won’t be long before you’re doing calculus.” Viktor laughed lightly, the sound airy and unforced. Yuuri was happy to see his husband seemed more at ease this time around despite the fact that he was probably still thinking about the letter waiting at home. 

“Calulus?” She asked, tripping over the unfamiliar word.

“Calculus. It’s old people math.” Viktor explained, watching with fascination as her eyes lit up. “High school and college math.”

“Can you teach it to me?”

Viktor laughed again, the sound pleasant. Yuuri loved this laugh. It was comfortable and friendly, not forced at all.

“You have to learn a few other things first. Like algebra and trigonometry.” 

“Could you teach me those?” Noa looked as interested by that prospect as she had been by Yuuri saying he could teach her Japanese. 

“I guess you like learning?” She nodded, “Well, I guess I can teach you then.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Grass green.” Viktor felt bad for basically ignoring the young boy but he didn’t seem all that put out, just waiting for Viktor to hand him a crayon. 

“Is this right?” Viktor handed the boy a lighter green and he nodded, turning back to his drawing. “Do you like drawing?”

“Yep.” He nodded, “I do.”

“Do you like plants.”

“They're pretty.”

“Yuuri and I have lots of plants at our house. We really like plants too.” He paused, “We also have a dog. Do you liked dogs?”

“Don’t know.” He scrunched his eyebrows together, “What’s a dog?”

Viktor gasped at this question and Yuuri chuckled, knowing the reaction wasn’t the least bit exaggerated. His husband was already pulling out his phone, obviously getting ready to show the two-year-old how cute Makkachin was. 

“Sorry to interrupt.” The woman sitting, well now she was standing, silently finally spoke up. Neither Yuuri nor Viktor had noticed her stand and were unsure how long she’d been trying to catch their attention. “I know this is going well, but we’re quite long over time.” 

“Of course.” Yuuri nodded and stood, gathering up the books he’d brought while Viktor stood slowly. He looked a little irked to not have been able to show the pictures of Makkachin and Yuuri couldn’t help but smile. He’s husband could be such a child sometimes. Usually when Makkachin was involved. “I’m glad we got to see you guys again.” 

“Bye.” Viktor waved and the two kids waved back, putting a smile on his face. 

\---

Viktor hadn’t felt this much like he was drowning since he was a teenager. Even when he was contemplating retiring that had been less like drowning and more a drifting, though there had been a breathless sort of panic deep in his stomach. 

The last time he truly felt like someone was holding his head underwater, his world muffled and his brain fuzzy, had probably been when he’d broken down after winning his first Grand Prix Final. The memory was one of the kinds that never faded, stuck in his memory like a painful cut that refused to heal. 

He’d cut his hair that day not because he wanted it short but because it was the only way to keep himself from cutting into his own skin. He knew Yakov had been concerned about him hurting himself but Viktor was pretty sure Yakov didn’t know how close he’d come to doing just that. He was glad he didn’t, now, but then it had been the hardest thing to do. He’d dented the locker with his gold to keep from slamming the medal into his own bones. He’d cut his hair to keep from cutting anything more vital. 

He remembered how dark and confused his thoughts had been, how hopeless. It was different now. He wasn’t hopeless now, just unsure and scared. He was terrified to learn what his parents, well his mother, had to say to him. He was drowning in uncertainty and everything was muddled. Everything was fuzzy. The only thing that was sharply in focus was Yuuri’s concerned face.

Yuuri was sitting across from Viktor, one hand reached across the table to intertwine their fingers, and looked immensely concerned. And why wouldn’t he? Viktor was sure he looked like a terrified teenager again, lost and conflicted. 

“You know you don’t have to open it.” Yuuri was terrified too, but he was terrified because he didn’t know how to help Viktor. He was afraid that if there was something horrible in that letter he would have no idea how to help. 

“It’s fine. I’ll be fine.” Viktor smiled, small but genuine, and freed his hand to help open the letter. His hands were shaking but he was somehow still able to open the letter. The writing on the inside was Russian and, again, he recognized the neat handwriting. His mother had always been the kind of person with almost disturbingly neat handwriting.

He read it aloud in slow, clear Russian so that Yuuri could be included. He wanted Yuuri to be included in this, whether it was good or bad. 

Honestly, Viktor was surprised by much of the letter. 

 

_Viktor,_

_I’m sure a lot of what I’m going to say will be hard for you to believe. I know I lost your trust decades ago. I know I’ve made many mistakes in raising you, if that’s what you call what I did. I can only write this from my perspective since David is still refusing my calls. I attempted to send him a copy of your letter but he never responded. I do not know why he’s done this but I will continue to try and contact him._

_That said, I feel I need to apologize for both of us even if I can really only apologize for myself._

_There is no excuse for things I did and said. I had a problem. I have a problem. I have a real addiction to work that I was trying to ignore. It made you suffer and I realize that now. After you stopped talking to us I wanted to blame you because it made me feel powerless and it made me feel like people would look at me like I was somehow inferior. I didn’t care about why you would leave, but instead I was worried about myself._

_Things only got worse from there. I let them get worse. I was almost always working because I couldn’t deal with the reality that I had hurt you and had made so many mistakes. It wasn’t until David left that I realized what I was doing wasn’t healthy and I realized I needed to take a real look at myself and my own actions._

_I got help. I’m better. I’ve become able to look at my choices and my mistakes. You weren’t a mistake but how I treated you was._

_So, I’m sorry. I know that hardly makes up for the years of, really, abuse you lived through. I’m sorry for ignoring you in favor of work. I’m sorry for worrying about you ‘doing something real’ with your life simply because in my small mind I couldn’t see a way your path as a figure skater wouldn’t somehow hurt my ‘image.’_

_I know I can never make up for what I did with apologies but they are all I have._

_I’ve followed your career a little, but not much. At first, I was angry because I felt like somehow you had wronged me. Once I learned to look at my own mistakes and stop blaming you for things that I did, I felt too guilty to follow your career closely. When you retired suddenly I did watch some of the first season without you, trying to catch a glimpse of you to understand why._

_I’m so happy to hear you found someone to love who loves you. He sounds like a wonderful man. I’ve watched some of his interviews and he really seems so lovely. And you seemed so happy standing next to him as his coach. I wish I could have come to your wedding, but of course, I understand why you didn’t invite me. Maybe you could send some pictures?_

_I wish I could go back and live a life that wouldn’t hurt and disappoint you. I know I can’t. If you’re willing, I’d like to try and mend some of the damage I did. I don’t want to disappoint you again. I understand if you decide not to bring me back into your life or into the life of any child you may have, but I would be honored if you allowed either of those things to happen._

_I am so sorry and I really do love you._

_Warm Regards,_

_Yana Nikiforova_

 

By the end, Viktor wasn’t even sure how he was still able to read the letter aloud. He was basically sobbing by the last paragraph and he doubted Yuuri could understand much of what he was saying. 

He wanted to believe everything she said. He wanted to but he was still so afraid. What if, after everything, she disappointed him again. What if she disappointed Yuuri or Noa or Andrew. What if everything crashed back down just like it had all crashed down on him as a teenager. 

At some point Yuuri had stood and hurried to pull Viktor into a tight hug, letting him cry into the shorter man’s shoulder. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” He was rubbing circles into Viktor back, cooing and shushing him calmly. “It’ll be okay. You’re okay, I’m here.”

“I want to believe her so bad.” Viktor was able to sob out, his words just barely understandable. “But it’s so hard after everything.”

“Sweetie. Darling. Love.” Viktor sniffed, his sobs starting to subside. “That’s fine. You’re allowed to be confused and unsure. You don’t have to make a decision about this now or ever.” Yuuri pulled back, holding Viktor’s cheeks in his hands so that his husband was looking him straight in the eyes. “She might still disappoint you and if you don’t want to chance that, then don’t. If you are willing to give her a chance, I’m here for you. Nothing will change that and we will work through whatever happens. Whatever you decide is what I’ll support. Okay?”

Viktor sniffled, nodding because he didn’t trust his own voice. He wasn’t sure his sobs would stay silent if he opened his mouth again. 

Yuuri leaned his forehead against Viktor’s, smiling before kissing his husband on the tip of his nose. 

“It’ll be okay, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 4:45a where I am and I was like "f-it, let's post this shit while I'm awake."


	3. The Chains of Blood Won’t Hold Us Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor had a lot of uncertainties in his life but something he knew for sure was that he loved Yuuri, he loved Makkachin, and he thought he might just love Noa and Andrew.

Viktor slept that night with his face buried in Yuuri’s shirt, his hands grasping the fabric until he finally fell asleep. Yuuri, on the other hand, had a hard time falling asleep as his mind turned the letter over and over.

He’d made Viktor and himself dinner and while they ate, Yuuri read the letter slowly. He’d not been able to understand most of the end half but reading it he could understand why. It did take him a while to get through the words, though the woman’s neat handwriting definitely helped. It was almost as neat as if she’d typed it up, with only a few point where Yuuri had a hard time understand what she’d written. Mostly he found himself looking up a lot of words, not wanting to bother Viktor by asking him to translate. Viktor, for his part, didn’t seem to notice Yuuri was even reading the letter. 

Now Yuuri was left unsure of how to feel about the letter. If it was genuine, if this woman was really planning to be a better person, then maybe this was good. But even if that was true, that might still not be good for Viktor. He’d gone through so much trying to work through the things in his past that had hurt him. Now… now they were back and asking for a redo. 

Yuuri knew he’d encouraged Viktor to send the first letter but now he wondered if that had been a good idea. What had he expected, really? This response was close to the best case scenario, the only negative being that Viktor’s father was seemingly uninterested in reading Viktor’s letter, let alone writing his own response back. 

Maybe it all felt wrong because Yuuri didn’t know whether they could even give her the room for trust. He was afraid if Viktor gave her even an inch that it would destroy him to have her do the same shit over again. Yuuri knew only small bits about Viktor’s childhood and he couldn't really make any determinations from that. That didn’t stop him from making his own determinations, and those were that Viktor’s parents had been assholes. Some of that conclusion had been helped along by Mila, Georgi, and Yurio.

Yuuri had asked them if they knew anything while the three were making plans on how to get access to the office building that had replaced Viktor’s first ice rink. Yurio had muttered something about what Yuuri thought translated roughly to ‘absent assholes.’ Mila said she’d never met them but knew Viktor had moved out of their house when he was still pretty young. Georgi obviously knew a lot more than the other two, he was the same age as Viktor and so spent more time with him, but didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about someone else’s business. He had mentioned they didn’t come to the Grand Prix in St. Petersburg. He then let it slip that from the time Viktor started training under Yakov he didn’t think either of Viktor’s parents had gone to a single one of his competitions, no matter where they were. Yuuri extrapolated, mostly from Georgi’s unhappiness at the subject, that the fact that they missed his first Grand Prix gold had really hurt Viktor. 

Combining that with all the things Yuuri had heard from Viktor, Yuuri didn’t think he could actually trust this woman. How can you trust someone who’s constantly broken the trust of the one you love, even if it was years and years ago?

But his issues came not from whether he could or should trust her, but what he should say to Viktor. He wanted Viktor to make his own decision but he knew Viktor would want his honest opinion. Viktor was unsure enough that he would need Yuuri’s opinion, even if that was just, ‘I can’t really make this decision.’ 

Yuuri sighed, loud enough that he was momentarily concerned he might wake Viktor, and ran his fingers through Viktor’s hair. 

If she was to be believed, Viktor’s mother had an addiction. She has a mental health issue. If she really was getting help for it then maybe Viktor should try and forgive her. Actually, Yuuri was sure he should forgive her if only so he could stop blaming himself for things that weren’t his fault. Whether or not he should welcome her back into his life was another question altogether. 

Yuuri wanted to groan but suppressed the sound so as to keep Viktor asleep. He knew he should stop worrying so much about this and get some sleep himself, but his brain wasn’t having it. 

He guessed tonight would just be one of many sleepless nights in his life.

\---

Yuuri had not been getting anywhere near enough sleep lately. While Viktor excitedly pulled out his phone to show Noa and Andrew pictures of Makkachin, Yuuri found he was close to falling asleep right then and there.

“Makkachin has lived with me for years now.” Viktor explained, “Have you guys ever seen a poodle?”

Andrew had already stated he didn’t know what a dog was and so it wasn’t surprising that he shook his head. Noa looked unsure for a moment while she thought about whether she’d ever seen a poodle. 

“Are those the ones with the weird haircuts?”

“Sometimes, but not Makkachin.” He showed them the first picture in his extensive album dedicated to the dog. Last time Yuuri checked, there were more than 2000 pictures in that album, dating back to when Viktor had first adopted Makkachin as a puppy. “He’s much cuter than that.”

Yuuri smiled fondly while Viktor chattered on about Makkachin, both children engrossed in the pictures. He suppressed a yawn, leaning over so he could see what picture they were looking at. He honestly couldn’t believe that both children stayed interested even as the time documented in these pictures passed slowly. Yuuri could see not only the aging of Makkachin and Viktor in the pictures but also the quality of the pictures increasing. Then there was one of them in the airport from, Yuuri assumed, when Viktor first showed up in Japan. Some on the train and more from their walk from the train station to Yuuri’s home. 

Yuuri realized he’d never seen most of these pictures. 

A picture of his parents meeting Makkachin, Viktor was the kind of person who’d take pictures of strangers without thinking, and then one of Mari petting the dog with a fond, melancholy smile. Multiple pictures of Yuuri petting the dog were next, Yuuri oblivious to the attention from Viktor.

One of Makkachin asleep with Yuuri, probably for the first time. 

“I didn’t know you had all these pictures.” Yuuri murmured.

“I don’t really have pictures from when I was younger, so I’ve always tried to take lots of pictures.” 

He never looked up from the phone, smiling at a picture of him hugging Makkachin after finding out he wasn’t going to die from those sticky buns, the picture obviously taken by someone else. Probably Mari. Mari understood what it was like to lose a dog. Even if Vicchan wasn’t technically her dog Yuuri knew when he left the dog’s care had largely fallen to her. 

Viktor paused on a picture of him, Yuuri, and Makkachin, his face thoughtful. 

“Can I take a picture of the four of us?” He seemed to be asking the woman from the agency as much as he was asking Noa and Andrew. When the woman nodded, he looked down at the two kids. “Are you two okay with that?”

“Picture,” Andrew asked, “of us?”

“Yep.” Viktor flashed him a smile and the boy nodded, “What about you, Noa?”

“Sure.” She smiled, “That would be fine.”

“Great!” Viktor opened the camera on his phone, “Everyone squish in. I have long arms but four is a lot of people.”

Yuuri smiled genuinely, wishing he didn’t look so tired but glad for the millionth time that he was married to the sweetest man in the world. 

\---

_Dear Yana,_

_I am not sure what I feel about you or your letter. I am not sure what I want._

_I want to forgive you. I really want to forgive you but I am still not sure if I want to have you back in my life. In my life for the first time?_

_My life felt so wrong for a long time. Yuuri reinvigorated my life and made me a happier person. He taught me how to be happy with myself._

_I’ve already sent this picture to the important people in my life but now I’m sending it to you because, well, I have no idea why. I don’t even know what I’m doing writing this letter at all._

_I’m glad you’re getting help for the things you need to get help with. I’m glad for so many things that sound better in your life. I’m glad for the better things in my life too. I don’t know if this will work out, with these kids, but I hope it does. They’re sweet and kind and smart and I care about them already. That’s who’s in the picture with me and Yuuri._

_I don’t know what I want to say to you, but I wanted to say something. I think I’m hoping that I can find a way to forgive you and fix what you broke. But I don’t know._

_Regards,  
Viktor Katsuki_


	4. Futures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only the past wasn't so connected to the future.

Viktor wished he could stop Yuuri from cleaning and rearranging but he was pretty sure the only way to do that would be to tie him down. Viktor was pretty sure that was a good way to lose the privilege of adopting Noa and Andrew. That was not something Viktor wanted to chance so he let Yuuri busy himself with making sure their already spotless apartment was clean. 

Not that Viktor wasn’t fidgety and nervous himself, he just busied himself with pulling and picking at the skin on his fingers. He’d need to get a manicure at this rate, if a manicure could even save his poor cuticles. Andrew was too young for manicures but Viktor wondered if Noa liked them. Maybe she was like Yurio, who would claw your eyes out if you tried to take them to a manicure. They’d gone once with Mila and Georgi and Viktor had been sure Yurio was going to attack someone by the end. The green nail polish the older three had picked out for Yurio had matched their eyes perfectly, though. 

“Yuuri, honey, please sit down.”

“Sorry.” He put down the centerpiece he was currently reorganizing to come and sit next to Viktor.

“You don’t have to apologize, I just want you to relax.”

“What if they’re disappointed?”

“What could they be disappointed by? They’ve already had to deal with two anxious and confused idiots trying to make conversation. If they weren’t disappointed by that then our frankly very nice apartment definitely won’t.”

“Did you just imply that we are disappointing people?” 

Viktor pouted playfully, “Of course not. I can say one hundred percent you are not disappointing.” 

“Oh, you had to be a little disappointed when you met me.” Yuuri mirrored Viktor’s pout mockingly, making the blond laugh. 

“Nope, not at all. Confused and upset? Yes. Disappointed? No.” Their phone buzzed and both men started to their feet. Viktor’s long legs got him to the phone first. “Hello?”

“Hello Mr. Katsuki, a woman named Jessica Moore is here with two children to see you.”

“Oh yes, please let them up. I’ll meet them at the elevators.”

“Okay, I’ll send them up.”

“Thank you, Matthew.” He set down the phone and took a deep breath, “They’re on their way up.”

\---

Suddenly, living on the 40th floor seemed like too high of a floor to Viktor. It felt like an eternity that they waited for the elevator doors to open. When they finally did, Viktor and Yuuri smiled brightly at the social worker, Noa, and Andrew. Noa had Andrew’s hand held in hers, tightly by the look of it, and he stood just a little behind his sister. 

They all exchanged quick greetings before Yuuri and Viktor lead their guests back to their apartment. When they entered all three newcomers seemed a little amazed and, not for the first time, Viktor was reminded how lucky he and Yuuri were. They both had money from their wins as well as the many promotions and sponsorships they’d been involved with. Hell, they were still getting plenty of income from a line of men’s couple outfits with their names on them. 

“I’m sorry, but I need one of you to fill out a couple more pieces of paperwork.” The social worker, Maria, looked apologetic.

When Yuuri made to lead Maria to the table Viktor put up a hand. “You’ve filled out most of the paperwork. Let me do it.”

“Okay.” Yuuri looked uncertain, “Just make sure you’re neat. You know how hard it can be to read your handwriting.” 

“It’ll be fine.” Viktor smiled at his husband who was ushering the two kids into the living room as he led Maria to the table. “My handwriting isn’t that bad.”

“I’m sure it isn’t.” She smiled, “Sorry to ask you to do this but I keep finding paperwork that wasn’t done properly or is so old it’s out of date.” 

Viktor wasn’t surprised in the least by that, the woman who worked with them before Maria hadn’t particularly liked them.

“I have to say, I wasn’t expecting this nice of a place.” She said casually, taking papers from her bag. “Not that I thought you’d live somewhere bad, it’s just the reports I read were… understated.”

“Aah, yes. I’m not surprised.” Viktor smiled, picking up the pen she offered him.

“You’re not?” She asked between instructions, still pointing out where Viktor needed to sign and what he needed to fill out. 

“Oh, it’s nothing. I don’t want to speak poorly of someone who’s not here.”

“It’s alright, the social worker before me is retired now.” Viktor knew all about the woman’s retirement. He’d thanked every god that had helped make that happen.

“She just didn’t like us very much.” Viktor’s smile pulled down at the edges even as he tried to keep smiling. “She didn’t like Yuuri very much.”

“Strange.” Maria looked over to where Yuuri was playing with Noa and Andrew, the young boy giggling at something Yuuri had said. “I can’t imagine why.”

“I don’t want to assume anything,” Viktor flipped the page and paused to allow Maria to point out what he needed to fill out, “but she was particularly harsh on Yuuri during interviews. She asked him a lot about how long he’d been living in America and how long ago he’d learned English.” Viktor finally let his smile drop, a sour look taking over his face as he pursed his lips. “It was all very rude and unprofessional. I love Noa and Andrew but I’m pretty sure she suggested them because their mother was Japanese-American and for her that somehow was better. She would drag her feet on every step of the process and I was close to bringing the issue to her boss but she ended up retiring before I did so.” Viktor took a deep breath, relaxing himself before smiling. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that all to you.”

“No, it’s okay.” Maria’s eyebrows scrunched together as she pointed out the last few parts of the form that needed to be filled out. “It just concerns me that any of that was going on.”

“Well, it’s all in the past.” Viktor gave her a bright smile. “Is that everything?”

She nodded, “Yes. Thank you Mr. Katsuki.” 

\---

_Viktor,_

_I do not begrudge you any of the anger you feel towards me. I deserve it. I was the adult then and I should have made better choices._

_If you do not want me back in your life, I will understand._

_I am so glad you have someone in your life who means so much to you and if you can forgive me enough to meet him, I would be overjoyed to do so._

_The children look very sweet and lovely. Again, if you forgive me enough to meet them one day, I would be overjoyed._

_I have finally been able to start looking through Grandma’s belongings. If I find anything that would interest you, I will be sure to tell you about it._

_Warm Regards,_

_Yana Nikiforov_


	5. Pasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past always seems to catch up.

“Hey, darling.” Yuuri was kneeled next to Viktor’s side of the bed because he still hadn’t gotten up. “ _Wake up, Vitya._ ”

His eyes fluttered open and Yuuri’s heart broke a little because he looked so… well, he couldn’t put words to it but sad was probably the closest adjective. 

“Viktor, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing…” He was frowning and not for the first time Yuuri worried about his husband. “I don’t think I can go to the rink today.”

“That’s fine.” Yuuri smoothed back Viktor’s hair. It was really starting to get long now, enough so that he had started keeping it in a small, low ponytail. “I’m not the only one who gets to take a mental health day.”

“I–” Viktor opened his mouth and closed it again. 

Yuuri had long since learned that Viktor didn’t like talking about mental health when it was his. Yuuri realized that maybe the two of them were still trying to figure out how to talk to each other, even after so long. 

“Love, maybe you should think about talking to someone. I can probably get you in to see my therapist.” Viktor shrunk away from Yuuri, sadness spiking through the younger man. “There’s nothing wrong with talking to someone.”

“I know.” 

Yuuri didn’t like to self-diagnose – well he loved to but he knew he shouldn't – and he definitely didn’t want to diagnose someone else given his distinct lack of qualifications, but he’d long since been worried about Viktor. He was pretty sure his husband had depression but the blond did his best to pretend he was fine. Yuuri had heard plenty of stories, though, and there was little doubt in his mind that there was _something_.

“Just give it some thought, okay?”

“Okay…” Yuuri paused, feeling that Viktor had more to say. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me.” Yuuri smiled, kissing Viktor on the forehead. “Do you need anything? I can stay if you want.”

“I’ll be fine.” Viktor smiled, faint but real, and Yuuri wanted nothing more than to curl back in bed next to him. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Yuuri decided to pick up some ice cream on his way home. It might not fix anything but he knew Viktor had a soft spot for the ice cream place near the rink and maybe it would help a little.

\---

He didn’t know why he was hiding the letter from Yuuri. There was really no reason for him to be doing it but something in him didn’t want to show the letter to anyone. It was like if he didn’t show it to anyone he didn’t have to acknowledge it. 

It wasn’t even that upsetting, there was barely anything of consequence in its content, but maybe it was just the fact that Viktor thought by now he’d know what he wanted. He’d really thought this choice would be easier but it wasn’t. Instead, it was pulling him down and keeping him awake at night and he just wanted to be rid of it. He found himself wishing he’d never sent the first letter because it would have been easier to just forget his parents if he didn’t think of them as anything but the shitty parents they were.

But now he had to face the fact that while she was a shitty parent, his mother was also a human being who’s life stretched out before him and after him and that she had more traits than ‘shitty, absent mother.’ 

His phone only rang once and for a moment. Viktor had forgotten even pulling his phone out. He’d almost forgotten who he was calling and why.

“ _Vitya, what is it this time?_ ” Yakov had put on his usual tone of annoyance like he was assuming Viktor just called for some petty reason. Of course, he and Viktor both knew that tone was a wall to make sure neither of them said or showed too much because, for as much as they had a close relationship, both still liked to keep their cards close to their chests. 

“ _Yakov._ ” Viktor could hear the weakness of his own voice when he spoke. So much for keeping his cards close to his chest. “ _I don’t know what to do._ ”

For a moment, Yakov was brought back to Viktor’s childhood. The last time he’d heard Viktor sound so utterly destroyed was when he was only 16 or 17. 

“ _What did they do?_ ” He asked, murder in his words. Yakov was sure whatever had gotten Viktor into this state had to be related to Yana or David. Whatever it was, Yakov was fully ready to find them and kill them. He was old, his stay in prison wouldn’t be that long anyways. 

“ _Nothing… I just don’t know–_ ” Viktor pretended he didn’t hate crying but he did. And now here he was, crying on the phone with Yakov like he was 27 again. “ _I wanted to contact them again… it felt right. But my– but Yana–_ ” The biggest problem he had with crying was when he couldn’t keep control of his own breathing. He hated the lack of control inherent in sobbing. “ _It was easier when she was just the villain, just the one who’d screwed it all up but now… now she's not the bad guy and I don’t know what I’m doing._ ”

“ _Vitya, you need to breathe._ ” 

Viktor laughed because sometimes Yakov and Yuuri sounded so similar. ‘Viktor, you shouldn’t drink that much’ and ‘No, Viktor, we can’t adopt all the puppies you see’ and ‘Viktor, you need to breathe.’ 

It wasn’t a pleasant laugh and Yakov found himself trying his best to not panic.

“ _I thought I’d have some power but I feel like I’m as powerless as when I was a kid. I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m just trying to get her to like me._ ”

“ _Vitya, where’s Katsuki?_ ” There wasn’t much Yakov could do from an ocean away. “ _Where’s Yuuri?_ ”

“ _He’s at the rink. I didn’t– I don’t–_ ”

“ _Breathe._ ” Viktor stopped trying to talk, instead taking Yakov’s advice and trying to breathe. Once he was able to breathe normally, he tried again. 

“ _I didn’t want to admit it was bothering me. I didn’t want to explain that I think the reason I wanted to do this is that I still haven’t moved on. It still hurts and I think I want her to be– I want her to be Grandma because I’d give anything for her to be alive._ ”

Yakov wished he was someone else, anyone else, but himself. He didn’t know why he was the one who always had to take care of these skaters. He wished they had someone else, someone better equipped to calm them down. And Viktor had Yuuri but Yakov knew all too well how hard it was to talk to people you cared about. He knew that it was easier for Viktor to talk to him because Yakov already knew it all. He’d seen everything and there was nothing left to hide.

Yakov had been with Viktor when he was still afraid of dogs. He remembered his growth spurt and his frustration. He was there for the injuries and the breakdowns and Sophia’s death. 

But he hadn’t been the one to save Viktor, not really. First, it had been Christophe Giacometti, keeping Viktor from letting go and it was him who made sure to keep Yakov updated on the things Viktor would never say. Then it was Yuuri because the two of them seemed to be made for each other even when they had trouble talking to each other and maybe that was why they were made for each other. They always worked it out. 

But now Yakov was back in his role, the one he’d taken on after Sophia died. He’d had to learn how to tow the line between taking her place and knowing that he would never be what she was to Viktor. 

“ _I know you don’t want to hear this but she’d be proud._ ” Viktor sniffled and Yakov continued, choosing his words careful which was hard because, for as much as he was a careful man, his words weren’t always as measured. “ _She loved you so much and she’d be so proud of the life you’ve built despite the hardships._ ” 

“ _I wish I knew what she’d do._ ”

“ _She’d probably forgive Yana, but that doesn’t mean you have to. You and Sophia are… similar, but you’re still different people._ ” Viktor didn’t respond and Yakov sighed, “ _You are both headstrong and self-sufficient. You are both fearless, but she was in a different way. In a lot of ways, you’re more courageous than her. She loved you so much._ ” Yakov wished he had the words to express how much Sophia cared for Viktor, even though he thought Viktor knew. “ _Yana will never be Sophia but you don’t have to be either._ ”

Another sniffled, “ _Thanks Yakov._ ”

“ _What else do you need?_ ” Yakov asked because he didn’t want to hang up just yet but he wasn’t sure what else to say. 

“ _Tell me a story about Sophia?_ ” It had been years since Viktor had made such a request. Not since he was 15 or 16, before he won is first senior Grand Prix. Even then, Viktor had only asked two or three times. Usually, he’d do it when he got really sick and Yakov inevitably had to go make sure he wasn’t dying alone in his apartment. 

“ _Okay… Have I told you about our first competition as a pair?_ ”

“ _I don’t think so._ ”

Yakov laughed to himself before diving into the story about how Sophia had almost fist fought a girl who made fun of his costume. Their coach had just barely been able to stop Sophia and she only stopped because their group was about to take the ice. Viktor laughed, asking about Yakov’s coach and Yakov tried to explain how much she always looked like her students were going to send her to an early grave without actually admitting he and Sophia, along with their other rinkmates, were as much a nightmare for their coach as Yakov complained about his students being for him. 

One story turned into two and then three then Yakov stopped counting, the stories spilling out because he’d wanted to talk about her for so long but it always seemed like there was no one left. He was one of the few of their mutual friends who were still alive. Lilia was really the only person who’d been her friend who Yakov had any contact with but they didn’t really talk about the past. Lilia really refused to talk about anything that was unrelated to Yuri. Occasionally she would ask how Yuuri was but that was the farthest she strayed from work.

Yakov missed Sophia and he missed talking about her. She was his first crush, his teammate, and his best friend. She was the one who pushed him to ask out Lilia and even if that ended poorly he didn’t necessarily regret it. She was the one to convince him to continue skating and then convinced him to coach. 

Yakov hated crying. But now here he was, crying over Sophia like he was in his fifties and she’d just died suddenly, from a heart attack nobody saw coming even though they _should_ have seen it coming. 

After what seemed like no time at all but was over two hours later, Yakov realized Viktor had stopped responding.

“ _Vitya?_ ” All Yakov heard was even breathing on the other end and smiled, glad Viktor was getting some sleep. 

Yakov didn’t care if he was fourteen or twenty-seven or thirty-one, he’d protect Viktor in any way he could even if that was only by telling him silly stories. And he knew Viktor was trying to hide how upset he was from Yuuri, but there was a line Yakov had drawn years ago when it came to Viktor and there was only so much he’d keep a secret from the people Yakov knew could better take care of him. 

_Yakov Feltsman: Tell Vitya to stop hiding letters from you_

It took Yuuri a little to respond but Yakov wasn’t sure if that was because he was coaching or because he didn’t know what to say.

_Yuuri Katsuki: What?_

_Yakov Feltsman: You know how he gets. Tell him to stop._

_Yuuri Katsuki: Okay_

_Yuuri Katsuki: Thanks for telling me_

_Yakov Feltsman: Just keep him safe._

_Yuuri Katsuki: Thank you for looking out for him_

Satisfied things would be worked out, Yakov put his phone away before pulling it out again because he realized he’d missed the dinner he was supposed to be at with many of his students. 

He didn’t mind, though. Viktor might not be his student anymore but Yakov was old and to him, Viktor would always be the shy kid Sophia brought to his ice rink with that glint in her eye that told Yakov that he just needed to sit down and watch. 

He’d done just that and, hell, she’d been right.

\---

Viktor’s legs were splayed out as he sat in Yuuri’s lap, face pressed against the shorter man’s shirt as he breathed in Yuuri’s familiar scent. It was calming, the familiarity of his lemon-rosemary shampoo mixing with his sage body wash. 

Yuuri had hurried home once practice was over, happy to find Viktor asleep with his phone next to him. Yuuri sat next to his husband, running his hand through the ever-lengthening blond hair as he listened to Viktor breathing. 

He woke up about an hour later and Yuuri had assured the man he was there for him and asked him what was wrong. He reminded Viktor he was always there to listen and that Viktor could tell him anything. 

After some time, he’d broken down and told Yuuri about the letter and about how he was feeling and all Yuuri could really do was say, again, that he would support Viktor no matter what.

“Yuuri?” Viktor’s voice was muffled by Yuuri’s shirt but otherwise was clear. 

“Yes, darling?” 

“I’m afraid that, when the time comes to decide, I’ll have to choose between what I think is right and what I think is good for me.

“Whatever is good for you is right.” Yuuri ran a hand through Viktor’s hair while also rubbing his back. He wondered if maybe the two of them had screwed up along the way to get to be this old and still not have any clue how to deal with everything life had to throw at them. Then again, if they had, maybe it made sense they’d found each other. Yuuri was fine screwing up if they were doing it together. “I don’t care if you think what you should do is different than what you feel. Your feelings are more important than a question of hypothetical morality.”

“Really?”

“Really.” 

They fell into silence after that, but it was an easy silence that said all the things they weren’t ready to say. Things that could be said tomorrow and things that don’t need to be said at all. 

Things that could all be summed up easily with ‘I love you.’


	6. Photographs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pat and the future can be summed up easily in a lack or plethora of photographs.

When Noa and Andrew arrived, Yuuri had already finished making dinner. Viktor had insisted it had to be katsudon for the kids’ first night and Yuuri was happy to oblige. It did seem somehow fitting since it had pretty much been the dish that welcomed Viktor into the Katsuki family. 

Yuuri never told Viktor but he’d always been amazed by how easy it had been for Hiroko to see that Viktor needed a family to be part of. He’d never told Viktor that his mom definitely thought Viktor was in need of some love.

So maybe katsudon was the perfect meal to serve tonight. Yuuri just wished his mom was here to cook it because whenever he did, he ended up feeling horribly lacking in the skills needed to live up to the Ito family recipe. 

“We’re home!” Viktor called into the apartment that had felt too big since they got it but Yuuri hoped would start to feel just right with the addition of two other people. 

“ **Welcome home!** ” Yuuri called, hearing his mom in his voice when he did. “Was the trip okay?”

“It was great, right guys?” Yuuri smiled at the two kids. Viktor was holding Andrew in one arm, the young boy was holding tightly to Viktor’s shirt, and a suitcase was held firmly in his free hand. 

“I liked it,” Andrew said, smiling.

“Andrew’s never been on the subway,” Noa explained as Viktor set the preschooler down. “I used to ride the subway with mom a lot.”

“Do you like the subway?” Viktor asked, watching the girl bounce in place. He couldn’t tell if it was that she was high energy or if she was anxious but she always seemed to be in motion. Andrew, on the other hand, barely seemed to move. 

“It’s fine.” She shrugged and Yuuri noticed he hadn’t moved to take off her backpack even though she’d taken off her shoes, following Viktor’s example. 

“Viktor, honey, why don’t you show them their rooms?” They showed the kids their rooms during some of their visits but they still made no move towards them, uncertainty clear on Noa’s face. Andrew seemed to default to whatever Noa did in unfamiliar situations and so he was also rooted firmly where Viktor put him down. 

“Come on, you guys, we’ll get you settled then we can have dinner.”

As they headed off, Yuuri noticed that Viktor had left the mail in his jacket pocket. He walked over to pull the letters out and noticed there was another one from Yana. Viktor hadn’t told Yuuri anything about sending another letter but it wouldn’t be the first time he’d done it without telling Yuuri. Then again, he’d promised to stop hiding this stuff from Yuuri so he’s hoped Viktor wouldn’t keep trying to deal with this on his own. 

Yuuri put the mail down on the kitchen counter closest to the door, deciding to wait until Noa and Andrew went to sleep to ask Viktor about the letter. 

In the other room, Andrew’s, Viktor set down the small boy’s few belongings.

“This is where you’ll be staying, Andrew.” He looked down when Noa tapped him on the hand, lightly and almost unnoticeable. “What is it, Noa?”

“Can I stay in here?”

“You have your own room.” Viktor pointed out, looking down at the girl. “You’ve seen it.”

“Just for now.” She was quiet and kept glancing at Andrew, before tugging Viktor down so he was closer to her. In a whisper, as if she didn’t want Andrew to hear, “He doesn’t like to be alone in new places.”

Viktor felt like a bit of an idiot in that moment because of course a two-year-old would have a hard time being alone in a new place, why wouldn’t he?

“Oh, of course.” Viktor nodded, looking at Andrew, “Why don’t we move your crib into Noa’s room? To make sure you can keep your sister company.”

Noa smiled at her feet and Andrew nodded, making Viktor smile even though he wanted to cry a little. It seemed so unfair that Andrew and Noa had to live a life where they had to consider how one or the other would react in a new place. Viktor was glad to have the two kids in his life, they were everything he could have asked for and more, but he would give it all up for them to have had a stable life. 

“Now, do you guys have a favorite movie?” Viktor asked, planning to tell Yuuri about moving the crib once they sat down for dinner. Viktor could probably move it but Yuuri was stronger than him and anyways, Viktor’s knees had been bothering him lately. And his ankles. 

His past was really catching up with his body now. 

“I like whatever.” Noa said, “But Andrew really likes Tangled.”

“Really?” Viktor smiled widely, “That’s pretty much my favorite movie!”

Andrew looked surprised for a moment, “You like Tangled?”

“Of course, it’s a great movie.” Viktor wanted to burst when the small boy kept smiling. It wasn’t that he didn’t smile, it was just rare. Noa was the kind of kid who smiled a lot but Andrew was much more reserved, especially for a two-year-old. The only time he was even close to demanding was when you offered to help him color, then the kid became a real piece of work. Viktor loved it. 

“Some of the kids used to make fun of me,” Andrew responded, his smile falling. 

“Well that’s silly, it’s amazing.” Viktor scooped the boy up, hugging him briefly before beconing for Noa to follow him to her room. “Just like you two.” 

\---

Andrew fell asleep half way through the movie and Noa wasn’t far behind, falling asleep in the last scene. It had been a big day for both kids and Yuuri didn’t blame them. He was pretty tired too. 

They looked so sweet, sitting between Yuuri and Viktor on the couch. They were wrapped up in a lot of blankets, it had been a little too cold for them in the apartment and the heat wasn’t really working great. Well, Viktor and Yuuri still hadn’t quite figured out the heat and it tended to be either too cold or way too hot in their apartment. 

Noa had an arm protectively around her brother, holding him tightly to her side and he slept. She’d done that after the small boy fell asleep and now her head leaned against the top of his as she almost pulled him onto her lap. 

On one hand, Yuuri and Viktor found it very sweet, but on the other, she was seven and it was sad that she seemed to think she had to be this protective. It was like she thought she was the only one in the world left to protect her brother. 

Yuuri and Viktor stood, Viktor snapping a picture of the kids in the low light of the scrolling credits, before each picking up a kid to bring to bed. 

Viktor smoother back Andrew’s hair, kissing him on the forehead before placing him in the crib and pulling a blanket over him. He was small for his age, the opposite of Noa in so many ways, but he would still grow out of the crib soon. 

Yuuri pulled back the blankets on Noa’s bed, doing his best to not jostle the girl awake as he put her down. Luckily, he had a lot of practice with this since he often had to carry Viktor back to bed after he fell asleep reading or sitting and just staring out the window. 

“We’re lucky,” Yuuri said when they went back out to the kitchen, Yuuri putting water on for some tea. “I can’t believe how lucky.”

“It’s true.” Viktor smiled, searching through their tea for the green tea Yuuri drank before bed and the chamomile he’d started drinking in the hopes it would calm his mind a little. “I’m really happy, you know.”

“Me too.”

Viktor walked over with the tea, kissing Yuuri briefly. “Not that I wasn’t before.”

“I know, silly.” Yuuri’s smile as soft as he turned to look back at the tea, leaning his back into Viktor’s chest. “Did you see the letter?”

“What letter?” Viktor hadn’t even checked the mail, just grabbed it on his way inside.

“From Yana.”

“Oh.” Viktor looked over to where Yuuri had left the mail. “That’s strange… I haven’t sent anything since her last letter.”

“Do you want to see what it is?” Yuuri asked, no expectation in his tone. “We can wait though.” 

Viktor thought about his choices. If he looked at it now it could screw him up for a while, depending on the contents. But if he didn’t look at it, he’d be thinking about it until he did and then he’d be distracted which was not what he wanted either.

“I’ll see what it is.” Viktor smiled at Yuuri but Yuuri didn’t smile back. He could tell how fake his husband’s smile was and he wasn’t going to return that. 

The envelope was bigger than the others, it must have been expensive to mail even if it was light, and on the outside was a warning not to bend it. He sat at the island and Yuuri came to stand behind him, tea in hand as he leaned into Viktor side.

The first thing that Viktor slid out of the envelope was a short, neat letter.

 

_Viktor,_

_I haven’t received anything else from you yet but I found these pictures while cleaning out grandma’s house. I thought you’d be interested in them._

_Yours,  
Yana_

 

“Pictures?” Viktor blinked at the letter for what felt like an eternity to Yuuri before he looked into the envelope.

Silently, he pulled out picture after picture. Most we old and bad quality but there were some that were a little newer. Even those pictures, though, didn’t seem like they could be any newer than the very early 2000s. 

“Viktor?” Yuuri couldn’t quite tell what the look on Viktor’s face meant. He thought it might be shock but he found that his husband also looked a little like he was about to cry.

Finally, Viktor started to go through the photos and showing them to Yuuri like it was the only answer in the world.

“This is one of the first times I went ice skating.” Yuuri couldn’t believe how small Viktor was and how uncertain on the ice. 

“My first official lesson.” He was practicing with some other little kids and a woman Yuuri didn’t know. 

“My first big competition… This was when I first started using Nikiforov.” The young Viktor in the low-quality picture was holding up a bronze medal and smiling but he didn’t look that happy with. There was an almost spiteful pride in his eyes, but not happiness. 

“This is Knopka, the poodle my grandma got when I was little. I was terrified of dogs when I was younger but she didn’t realize. She just thought I didn’t like them. Knopka was so sweet, though.” It was a picture of a young Viktor fast asleep with a tiny dog. Viktor’s young body looked to be in that stage between being a child and a teenager, his hair starting to get longer as his limbs did as well. “This wasn’t long before–”

Viktor voice caught and he looked at the last picture, feeling tears leaving his eyes to conquer his cheeks. It was him and his grandma, not long before she died, and he was smiling into the camera more genuinely than he would for years after. He looked so young, his hair getting long but the length nothing compared to how long it would get. They were at the beach and for the life of him, Viktor couldn’t remember who took the picture. Had it been his mom or dad? A stranger? Maybe Sofia had convinced Yakov to take a day off and he’d taken the picture. 

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked, putting a hand on Viktor’s shoulder but he nodded, a genuine smile on his face as he whipped away tears.

“Yah, I’ve just never seen these before. I didn’t know they existed.” Viktor got up, turning to kiss Yuuri on the forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Yuuri responded, reaching over to the envelope and checking inside. “There’s one more.”

He pulled the picture out and his breath caught a little. The picture was a woman, probably on the older side of middle aged, with white-blonde hair who was holding a tiny baby in her arms. The baby looked so small, too small, but was caught in mid-laugh as he reached out for the woman’s face.

Yuuri handed it to Viktor, who bit his lip and smiled.

“This is my grandma… I don’t know when it’s from but this is me as a baby.” Viktor sighed and placed the picture down with the others. “I never knew there were pictures of me when I was younger.” 

Suddenly, Viktor looked sad as he turned to fold himself into Yuuri’s waiting hug. 

“How did I never know?”

“It’s okay, you know now.” Yuuri moved just enough to put his mug down before hugging Viktor tightly, the taller man nuzzling his face into Yuuri’s neck as he tried not to cry.

“I’m really happy,” Viktor said, muffled by Yuuri’s sweatshirt.

“I know.”

“I just never knew…” 

“I know.”

Yuuri rubbed circles into Viktor’s back until the taller man leaned away and allowed himself to be lead to bed. Once there, Yuuri pulled him into another embrace and simply whispered sweet words and assurances until they both drifted off. 

In the darkness of half-sleep, Viktor murmured his real question.

“Why did I never go there?” Yuuri was either asleep or couldn't hear him. “Why didn’t I go there?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yah this ch summary is nonsense but like I had no clue. 
> 
> Also I think I touch on it in my notes for next ch but like I'm p sure the rate at which viktor and yuuri go through the adoption process is too fast but oh well.


	7. Feedback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if they shared no blood, Viktor was glad for the big family he'd found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meant to mention: I tried to do as much research as I could on the adoption process but I had trouble finding more than very basic information. Also the timeframe this happens in is probably shorter than what adoption would actually be but, like, I need it to happen between certain events.
> 
> Also this takes place about two months after the last chapter. Probably late January or early February 2021.

“ _It isn’t working, Vitya. Stop laughing at me and tell the computer to work._ ”

Viktor and Yuuri had Yuuri's laptop set up at the kitchen table, Noa and Andrew sitting between them. Viktor was currently trying to help but, much like the Russians that were also supposed to be helping Yakov right now, he was just laughing.

“Yakov, on the bottom of the screen there should be some icons. Do you see them?” Yuuri took it upon himself to be the adult who would actually help Yakov, who’d insisted he would figure out Skype this time. 

“Boy, do you think I know what those are?” 

“ _Icons, Yakov, icons. _” Finally, the picture showed up and for a moment Yuuri was going to congratulate the man, but he instead found Mila had leaned over to hit the correct button.__

__“You’ll get it next time.” Yuuri offered encouraged, only to receive a glare from Yakov._ _

__“I don’t care about this program. Let me meet my grandchildren.”_ _

__“Yakov, this is Noa and Andrew.” Yuuri gestured to each child as he said their names. “Noa, Andrew. This is Yakov, Mila, Georgi, and Yuri.”_ _

__“Hello.” Noa waved at the camera, smiling despite her obvious nervousness with the situation. She nudged her brother, who simply waved._ _

__Yuuri and Viktor had been careful not to rush the kids too much but after talking about Viktor’s friends from Russia, the kids had been interested in meeting them. If they were still up to it tomorrow would be a call with Yuuri’s family, along with Minako of course. They were close to the end of the probationary period and, hopefully, things would be made official soon so it seemed like a good time to really start introducing the kids to people who they couldn’t meet face-to-face just yet._ _

__“Well, have you taken them ice skating yet?” Yakov asked and Viktor chuckled._ _

__“No, we haven’t.” He was shaking his head. “Not everyone has to be a figure skater, Yakov.”_ _

__“Bah!” Was Yakov’s response, “What else it there to do?”_ _

__“Well, why don’t you ask Noa and Andrew what they like to do.” Yuuri offered with a raised eyebrow._ _

__“Don’t look at me like that Katsuki.” Yakov blustered but Yuuri only smiled, knowing that he was doing it for show because he didn’t want anyone to know how touched he was to be considered the kids’ grandpa. “Okay, what do you two like instead of figure skating.”_ _

__“I’ve never seen figure skating.” Noa said, smiling, “But I watched rugby during the Olympics and that was really cool.”_ _

__“But rugby is so violent!” Georgi chimed in worriedly._ _

__“More like awesome.” Yuri was sitting behind Yakov and Mila, their head barely poking out as they slouched in their chair. “Rugby’s great.”_ _

__“I agree with Yuri and Noa.” Mila smirked at Georgi, “Not everyone is as fragile as you.”_ _

__“Mila, be nice.” Viktor reminded her even though he was smiling, “You’re supposed to set a good example.”_ _

__“You mean like you did when we first met, Mr. grumpy ahh–” Mila paused for a moment while Yuuri gave her a look. He expected this from Yuri but not Mila. Yuuri guessed Yuri had to have gotten his foul mouth from somewhere. He'd always assumed it was because of the internet. “Butt.”_ _

__“Excuse me, what are you talking about?” Viktor asked, ignoring her almost curse._ _

__“When we first met you were so grumpy and you snapped at me.”_ _

__“You were annoying!” Viktor insisted, making Yuri smirk._ _

__“I was like three.”_ _

__Viktor muttered something about it not being his fault but Yuuri just rolled his eyes while Mila laughed._ _

__“So you knew Viktor when you were little?” Noa asked, interested._ _

__“Sure did.” Mila smiled, “He helped out at a kid’s class once and that’s when we met. Georgi here has known him even longer.”_ _

__“Viktor and I are the same age.” Georgi explained, “We grew up together at the ice rink.”_ _

__“Wow.” Noa smiled at Viktor and Yuuri, “You guys have really cool friends.”_ _

__“Remember those pictures we showed you?” Viktor asked. They’d gotten more pictures from Yana as she went through Sofia’s belongings. “There’s one of me when I was your age with a couple of other skaters. Georgi was one of them.”_ _

__“Oh.” Noa smiled, before turning back to the computer to ask some more excited questions about Viktor._ _

__“You okay?” Yuuri murmured to Andrew, who’d been quiet the entire time._ _

__He nodded but didn’t say anything, watching his sister talk instead. Yuuri noticed that this happened a lot but he couldn’t tell if Noa talked to take up the room left by Andrew’s silence or if he’d become quiet to make room for his sister’s words._ _

__“You don’t have to be okay.” Yuuri reminded him but he shook his head and smiled at Yuuri._ _

__“I like listening.”_ _

__“Okay… If that’s what you want.” Yuuri hoped he was really okay but he was admittedly not great at reading kids._ _

__But even if he did like listening, his silence didn’t last long because soon Noa stopped talking and turned to look at her brother._ _

__“Why don’t you tell them what you like?”_ _

__Yuuri decided the boy was just quiet because if it was Noa then how would she have the presence of mind to tell Andrew to talk. At the very least, it was a little bit of both from each kid. Noa was naturally outgoing and Andrew shy so they made a good pair._ _

__“I’m fine.” Andrew’s voice was low, probably too quiet for anyone in Russia to here. “You talk.”_ _

__“Andrew.” Noa’s tone was sisterly but it had a twinge of motherliness that bothered Yuuri. Why should she even need to use that voice?_ _

__“Hey, Andrew.” Georgi was the one to speak up from the other side of the camera. “You know, I think I remember you drawing a lot of flowers and trees. Do you like plants?”_ _

__The boy nodded, his eyes lighting up. “I do! They’re really pretty and– and– nice. They’re nice and I like them.”_ _

__“Do you have a favorite flower?” Georgi asked._ _

__“They’re all great.” Andrew nodded, “But cactuses are nice. The little ones are so… cute.”_ _

__“They are, I love how tiny they are but then they can grow so big.” Georgi smiled, “Have you seen the ones that get flowers?”_ _

__Andrew nodded vigorously and Yuuri saw that Noa was smiling at him. “I want to go see one of those big ones with the flowers.”_ _

__“I bet your dads would bring you to see some one day,” Georgi said. Both Yuuri and Viktor looked at the kids to see how they’d react to the use of ‘dads’ since neither had called them that yet._ _

__At first, Yuuri thought they might not have noticed but Andrew tilted his head._ _

__“Dads?” He looked between Viktor and Yuuri. “You’re my dads?”_ _

__“If you want us to be.” Yuuri smiled, “We’d both love that.”_ _

__“Well, you can’t both be dad.” Noa pointed out, seeming a little uncomfortable but obviously trying to humor her brother. “That would be confusing.”_ _

__“Just call Viktor ‘papa.’” Mila offered, “That’s sort of the Russian but it’s also an English word.”_ _

__“Papa?” Andrew repeated, pointing at Viktor before turning to point at Yuuri. “Dad?”_ _

__Both men couldn’t help but break into big smiles, pulling both kids into a hug._ _

__“It’s great.” Viktor said, “That’s great.”_ _

__“But only if you’re comfortable with it.” Yuuri reminded them before both men remembered they were supposed to be talking to the Russians._ _

__“I’ve never had a dad or a papa.” Andrew pointed out, reaching out to grab at Yuuri’s hand._ _

__“Well, you do now.” Yuuri and Viktor shared a look before turning back to the computer screen._ _

__Georgi was openly crying while Yakov was pretending he wasn’t crying. Mila and Yuri both had smirks on their faces but Yuuri and Viktor knew that meant they approved of the scene._ _

__“Well, how about I tell some stories about your dads.” Mila offered, her smirk sliding into something more mischievous._ _

__This caught both kids attention and soon both men were blushing and begging Mila to stop only telling embarrassing stories but the moment she stopped, Yuri had some stories of their own. And even if by the end Viktor and Yuuri were blushed and embarrassed, they both felt very, very happy._ _

__\---_ _

__“What are you writing?” Yuuri asked as Viktor sat at their kitchen table. It was past midnight and both men needed to get to sleep. Usually, Viktor was the first to recommend sleep, Yuuri could be quite the night owl, but tonight Yuuri had almost fallen asleep without his husband._ _

__“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to hide it.” Viktor said when Yuuri sat next to him, “Just figured out what I want.”_ _

__“Yah?”_ _

__“I’m going to talk to her; video chat her. I want you to be there too.”_ _

__“Okay.”_ _

__“I think– I’m not sure yet, but I think I know what I want to do.” Viktor wasn’t sure if he was making the right decisions but he knew that they were the ones that gave him the most outs if he hated them. “And I think things will be okay.”_ _

__“I’m sure they will be, no matter what you decide.” Yuuri leaned his head against Viktor’s shoulder. “Because we have each other and two great kids.”_ _

__“Yah, we do, don’t we?” Viktor smiled, “I’m really glad we’re doing this but… I’m glad we waited.”_ _

__“Me too. Noa and Andrew are both perfect.”_ _

__There was a long pause before Viktor snorted, “I guess we’ll have to find Noa a rugby league.”_ _

__“Are you sure, it is a dangerous sport.” Yuuri didn’t want to sound protective, but this wasn’t walking down the street alone it was a sport that was probably more violent than American Football._ _

__“A kids league should be fine, right?”_ _

__“I guess.” Yuuri smiled, kissing Viktor on the cheek. “If that’s what she wants to do then I guess I can get over being afraid.”_ _

__Viktor turned to press a kiss into Yuuri’s lips, “I know you will because you’re a brave man.”_ _

__“So are you,” Yuuri whispered into his lips before leaning back onto his shoulder. “Now let’s get to sleep. That letter will still be here in the morning.”_ _

__“Okay, Love.”_ _

__And Viktor felt suddenly like there was a lot less weight on his shoulders. He couldn't say what it was exactly but he thought maybe things really would be okay. He thought that maybe he could be a pretty good dad if for no other reason than he had Yuuri next to him._ _

__Things were turning out pretty good._ _


	8. Separate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When did I learn to be strong,_  
>  When did I learn to love,  
> When did I learn to be myself?
> 
>  
> 
> _Did I learn it from you,_  
>  Or did you learn it from me?

“It’ll be fine.” Yuuri murmured to his husband who was currently holding his hand in a crush grip. “I’m right here. You don’t owe her anything.”

“I know,” Viktor said, waiting until he felt ready to hit the call button.

Noa was in school at the moment and Andrew was at the daycare he went to four days a week. Both Viktor and Yuuri had canceled their lessons today to make room for the call. They wanted to make the call early for a couple of reasons. One was simply the time difference between Saint Petersburg and New York City. The other was because that would give Viktor time to be okay in case he _wasn’t_ okay after this call.

Viktor leaned over to kiss Yuuri before finally leaning to hit call on Yana’s Skype ID. It rang one and half times before the screen showed a familiar face.

Yana looked older, which made sense since she was older, and looked a lot more like Sofia than she did in Viktor’s memory. Her hair was the same color as Viktor's but he could see true gray showing in it, only noticeable to him because he’d seen them in his own hair. Her eyes were blue like his too, with crow’s feet, bags, and a sad look that Viktor had once seen in his own reflection. Not anymore, though. At least not most of the time. 

When Yuuri and Viktor appeared she smiled, look genuinely happy to see him.

“ _Viktor! You’re so big._ ”

Viktor wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting from her, not sure what he thought he’d hear, but he hadn’t quite been ready for the woman talking to him to sound so much like Sofia. He took a deep breath, reminding himself this wasn’t his grandmother and that he shouldn't think of her like that. It wasn’t fair to him or her. 

“ _Of course… It’s been a long time since we’ve talked._ ”

“ _Yes, of course._ ” Her smile faded a little, “ _I’m sorry._ ”

“ _Let’s not start with apologies._ ” Viktor had decided he wasn’t going to force her to keep apologizing but he also wasn’t going to let her do that. He was in control here and that was the most important thing. Yuuri had reminded him that if at anytime he didn’t feel in control that he should end things. “ _I want to introduce you to my husband, Yuuri._ ”

“ _It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Nikiforva._ ” It was only a half lie on Yuuri’s part. “ _My name is Yuuri Katsuki._ ”

“ _It’s nice to meet you too, thank you for taking care of Viktor. Please call me Yana._ ” She smiled softly, “ _And your Russian is very good._

“ _Thank you._ ” Yuuri could tell she was uncomfortable but trying to hide it. He knew the look she had plastered on her face and he recognized the way she was trying, and failing, to not fidget. “ _Viktor, how have you been?_ ”

“ _Fine. Very happy lately. Andrew and Noa are both very sweet kids and we’re lucky to have them._ ”

“ _I’m sure they’re lucky to have you too._ ”

The conversation lapsed into silence, if you could even call it a conversation, and Yuuri could tell both Russians were unsure of how to continue. Viktor surely wanted to get straight to the point but he was probably thinking there was more to be said.

“ _Twenty-three gold medals._ ” She finally said, “ _I know my word doesn’t mean much, but I’m very proud of you._ ”

Viktor’s eyes burned as he tried his best to keep himself calm. He wasn’t going to cry in front of Yana, wouldn’t give her that power over him. But maybe that was the problem, he’d never be able to believe she wasn’t trying to use him. That she wasn’t waiting for some weakness to show itself.

And he felt like that feeling was unwarranted. She’d been a terrible parent and had said horrible things to him but she’d not done it on purpose, he was sure of that. She really thought she knew what was best for him but she had been wrong and now she was trying to make up for it. 

But part of him was afraid that was not true and he just wanted it to be true. 

She’d forgotten things about him that he’d felt were integral to who he was but hadn’t Sofia done the same sometimes. She just knew when to apologize and so Viktor never felt bad, that was the difference. When she got a dog thinking Viktor just disliked them, she’d be apologetic and never pushed Viktor to accept the dog. When Yana forgot about a skating competition she’d blame Viktor or she’d give a half-hearted apology that always made Viktor feel worse. 

“ _Thank you._ ”

“ _I really do want to apologize. I never meant to hurt you but I did…_ ” She paused, but Viktor allowed her to continue. “ _I know I can’t change the past and I can’t truly make up for what I did and said but I’m hoping that I can show you how I have changed._ ” She took a final breath, “ _But I understand if you don’t want me around after all._ ”

“ _Yana…_ ” Viktor felt Yuuri squeeze his hand and he smiled at his husband. “ _I had a hard time deciding what I wanted. I knew I needed some sort of closure, which was why I sent you that first letter. After that, it was hard to decide what I wanted because I realized that even though you were a shitty parent, you weren’t just a shitty parent._ ” Viktor paused, collecting his thoughts. “ _I want to give you a chance because… because I think that Grandma would give you another chance. I know she gave you a lot of chances and I’m not going to do that. You have one chance and it’ll be on my terms. I don’t want to leave you alone because I think you deserve more than a lonely life with no family. I think everyone deserves at least a chance at a little bit of family._ ” Viktor smiled for a moment before his face turned back to a frown. “ _I’d like to start with a call like this, once a month. To talk, stay up to date with each other. If I’m comfortable with that and you don’t screw this up… I’ll think about more… I’ll think about formally introducing you to Noa and Andrew._ ”

“ _Thank you._ ” Yana blinked like she was holding back tears and Yuuri suspected she was. “ _This means so much to me._ ”

“ _I don’t want you to disappoint me or anyone I love but I also don’t think I can cut you out completely, not anymore._ ” He looked down at his lap. “ _Please don’t screw this up._ ”

“ _I’ll try._ ” Viktor nearly flinched hearing those words from her, words he’d heard before that always meant she wouldn’t follow through. She seemed to hear it herself because she quickly amended, “ _I’m sorry, I mean that I will. I’m not going to screw this up._ ”

“ _Okay._ ” Viktor smiled, sighing deeply. “ _Okay._ ”

“ _It was nice meeting you, Yana._ ” Yuuri smiled, speaking up when he saw how tired Viktor looked. “ _Hopefully I can talk again. We’ll message you on here when we figure out the next date, okay?_ ”

“ _Yes, that sounds good. Thank you, Yuuri._ ”

“ _Have a nice day._ ” Yuuri reached over to the computer but didn’t press anything, waiting for Viktor.

“ _You too, Yuuri._ ” Yana bit her lip. “ _Goodbye Viktor._ ”

“ _Goodbye, Yana._ ” Viktor didn’t look up, only nodding at Yuuri to turn it off. Once the call ended he let out a long held breath and sagged against Yuuri. “Thanks for being here for me.”

“Anytime, Darling.” Yuuri pulled Viktor into a quiet embrace, kissing the top of his head. “Are you okay?”

“Yah, I think so… It wasn’t as bad as I thought she just– I didn’t expect her to look so much like my grandma.” 

Yuuri didn’t have anything to say to that, instead just pulling Viktor close while the other made breathed quiet and even. They stayed like that for a long time, Yuuri breathing in the smell of Viktor’s shampoo, today it was lavender, and pulling Viktor tightly to his chest whenever the man’s breathing changed rhythm. 

“I think I can do this, though.” He whispered, “I really do think this is for the best.”

“I’ll support anything you decide.” Yuuri reminded him, “Never forget that.”

“I won’t.” Viktor smiled into Yuuri’s chest, “ **I love you.** ”

“ _I love you too._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaa, making a choice on Viktor's choice was the hardest choice I've ever made in writing. Did that make sense? I really tried to think about what would be best for Viktor as a character but also what he'd probably choose. I'm not saying this is even the right choice for him to make, mostly I think it's the choice he'd make. 
> 
> I don't know.... I'm still unsure about it but I couldn't keep not deciding forever...


	9. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Together forever or together for now,_  
>  I'll take either way because I love you so much. 

“What is it?” Noa asked when Viktor and Yuuri told her and Andrew to wait in the kitchen. “Are we having something good for dinner?”

“We are,” Yuuri said from where he was standing in the kitchen, waiting for Viktor to come back with the surprise. “But that’s not the surprise.”

“But what is it then?” Noa was more impatient than Yuuri expected. 

From the kitchen floor where he was petting Makkachin, Andrew called to his sister. “Just wait.”

“Andrew, you know you’re just as curious.” She was pouting but she fell silent, fidgeting in her seat. 

Just when Yuuri was wondering if Viktor had climbed out of their window or something, the blond appeared with four packages. 

First, he handed the each kid one of the pairs of larger packages. The two thin ones he kept, putting behind him on the table.

“Dad and I got you some gifts.” 

“But why?” Noa blinked at Viktor as he helped Andrew onto one of the chairs, Makkachin making grumpy noises now that he wasn't being petted. 

“Because.” Was Viktor’s unhelpful and sing-songy response, which just seemed to further confuse Noa. “Just open these first.” 

Finally, the girl turned back to the package and followed Viktor’s instructions, nudging Andrew to get him to do the same. When she opened hers there was a loud gasp followed by a squeal. Andrew simply smiled at his, as wide a smile as Viktor or Yuuri had seen up to this point. 

“They’re sneakers! I haven’t had new sneakers in so long.”

“We were thinking of enrolling you in a rugby league this summer,” Yuuri told her, coming to stand next to Viktor. “So we thought you’d need some good sneakers.” 

“A rugby league?” She looked confused for a moment as the word sunk in then she smiled again. “A rugby league! Thank you so much!” 

While this was happening, Andrew was quietly looking at the small cactus sitting in front of him with a big smile on his face. 

“It flowers,” Yuuri told him. “We can’t take you to see the big ones right now but we thought this would be enough for now.”

“I love it.” Andrew whispered, “Thank you.”

“Of course.” 

Noa had finally calmed down enough to remember that these presents had come out of nowhere, tilting her head as she asked again.

“But why did you get them for us?”

Yuuri thought Viktor was going to explode when he handed them the thinner packages. “These are the reason.”

Noa looked at the package strangely before opening them as Andrew did the same. They stared at the papers inside for a long time before looking up at Viktor and Yuuri. 

Andrew looked confused but they hadn’t expected him to really know what they were. Noa, on the other hand, had a cautious optimism on her face that said she was pretty sure she knew what those forms were. 

“Are these…?” She didn’t finish her statement as if she was afraid that saying it out loud would make if false. 

“Adoption papers.” Yuuri finished with a smile. “All ready to be submitted if you two want us to.” 

For a moment Noa didn’t say anything but then she hopped off her chair, her eyes filling with tears as she ran over to hug Yuuri and Viktor.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank us.” Yuuri picked the girl up, “You two are more than either of us could have asked for.”

As Noa buried her face into Yuuri’s shoulder, both men turned to look at Andrew. 

“Andrew?” Viktor looked at the boy for a long time. He was staring at the papers in front of him even though he probably couldn’t read most of what was written on them. 

“Really?” He asked, still looking at the papers. “You’ll really be my dads?”

“Really.” Viktor said, walking over to scoop up the boy and pull him into a hug, “We don’t want anything else if you’re okay with it.”

Andrew nodded, burying his face into Viktor’s shoulder like his sister, but Viktor could tell he wasn’t crying. Instead, he seemed to be smiling widely. 

“Well, I guess we’re really a family then,” Viktor said, turning so he could look at Yuuri and Noa. 

Noa looked up from Yuuri’s shoulder, her face red and her nose dripping a little but she still smiled through her tears. 

“Yah.”

Yuuri pulled Andrew into his other arm, allowing Viktor to pull all three members of his family into a tight hug.

“This is the best family I could have asked for.” Viktor told them, “Better even.”

There were still choices to make and hardships to face in the future but for now, Viktor and Yuuri found that they were happier than they’d ever been.

“I’m really glad we waited to adopt,” Yuuri said. He’d started crying, making him and Noa quite the pair. “Otherwise we might not have met you two.”

Viktor just smiled into Yuuri’s shoulder, not sure if he’d even felt this happy. Maybe on his wedding day or the day Yuuri proposed to him. Maybe even the first time he went ice skating or when he went to the beach with his grandma. 

Then again, it didn’t really matter if he’d ever been this happy because he knew that from now on he’d be at least this happy.

And he was glad things might just work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like how I stuck Makka into this chapter because I'd forgotten to write him in... #MakkachinIsImmortal (that's a lie. I know when makka dies in this au because apparently I hate happiness)
> 
> Well, end of this little thing and right into the next one. Tomorrow I'll post chapter one of a fic that starts almost right after this one (This ends in Feb and that one starts in May) and it centers on Yuri! Then after that, I have a one ch fic that's sort of an epilogue to the next fic but that I wanted to be a stand alone thing.


End file.
